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antihero-writings · 6 years ago

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The Things We Say Aloud—Pandora Hearts Fic for Phmonth18 Rainsworth Trio Week—Prompt 2: Family (Full Fic)

Fic Title: The Things We Say Aloud

Fic Synopsis: The Rainsworth Trio has a tradition of midnight snowball fights. But what if this is Break’s last?

Notes: This is another fic I wrote last Christmas (for the prompt “Rain”), but I think will work well for Phmonth18. I think it works best for the Rainsworth Trio Prompt 2: Family. You don’t have to have read the previous Christmas fic to understand it, but they are supposed to take place in the same year, and there are a few connections/references between them. (The other one is called “In Plain Sight” and you can read it on this blog, and/or at I_prefer_the_term_antihero ‘s Ao3!)

Out of all the PH fics I’ve written so far, this is honestly probably my favorite. I would deeply appreciate it if you commented to let me know you enjoyed it!

I feel like the Rainsworth Trio–especially Sharon and Break–don’t really talk about Break’s death, even though they know it’s coming. I thought it would be interesting to explore how such a conversation would go, and almost made myself cry writing it!

Also, point of interest, a song that I think works really well for the section of this fic where Break is pondering if it will be his last Christmas is “Into the Open Air” from the Brave soundtrack.

P.S. This is a repost of an old fic!

Fic:

Rain pounded its tune on the roof. It was the kind of rain that swarms the air, making it misty, grey, and cold with the buzzing of a thousand tiny drops.

It wasn’t that he disliked the rain. There will always be something about the rain that’s soothing to people dealing with sorrow. But rain like this; that pounds, and pounds, and doesn’t dissipate, sometimes serves to extend the mistiness inside too. Though it could be a rest, a relief, people like him always pray for the sun to come back. For sunny days and summer light were something people like him, with red eyes, and a past full of sin, knew they didn’t deserve, but couldn’t help seeking all the same.

Xerxes Break walked through the hallway of the Rainsworth manor. He wore his turquoise and gold outfit, half of his white hair falling across his shoulder, the other, shorter side, messily added to the covering the bandages provided—bandages over the place where his left eye should have been, though it rarely bled anymore.

As he passed by one of the rooms, he saw Sharon. She looked so small, but so regal, sitting on the windowsill, with her back to the glass, now frosted with condensation. Her chestnut hair was pulled back with a ribbon, and she was wearing her little pink dress. The little girl was pouting, staring at the ground, her arms folded over her chest in the characteristic expression children wear when they don’t get their way.

He paused, resting his hand on the doorframe.

She lifted her head.

When she met his eyes, he remembered very quickly that was not in his skill set to comfort little girls.

When he glanced back, she was giving him a look that said Well? Aren’t you going to come comfort me?

He knew better than to disobey such a look. He took a deep breath and walked in, hopping up on the windowsill next to her.

Like the rain, it wasn’t that he disliked kids, he just didn’t know how to deal with them. When they cried and threw tantrums…in short, he didn’t know how to deal with emotion (well, strong ones anyways). He couldn’t help hoping that kids like her could stay happy, and innocent forever. Like he had hoped for his young mistress from another time, and seen it go so very wrong, then later heard, through his own interference, that he had made it go far worse. But children would have to get hurt, they would have to grow up, some day. And in turn, they would become the kinds of creatures who hurt, and caused pain, who even killed, and made excuses for it…creatures like himself.

Luckily, he found that Sharon was a much happier, much kinder, much stronger child than most.

When she didn’t speak—(he didn’t dare ask, for fear of making it worse)—he turned to look outside the window.

“Xerx-niisan,” she began at last, “Why is the sky crying?”

He turned back to her, raising an eyebrow. “Huh?”

They weren’t siblings; they weren’t even remotely related. But for some reason, the name fixed itself in her mouth, and nothing he did or said could change that.

She could be a little tyrant sometimes.

At his misunderstanding, she continued to pout, averting her eyes. Then she jerked back to look at him, (he flinched a little), and said in a high pitched voice, “It’s almost Christmas! Why is it raining? It should be snowing!”

“Oh,” he relaxed a little, contemplating his response, “Well…it’s not going to stop raining just because you want it to. Sometimes,” he gave a sardonic smile that was more painful than the frown that seemed fixed on his face, looking away into the rain, as if he would find answers reading the drops, “things…people…that should be happy, just can’t be. And no matter how much you want something…”

He trailed off, and when he turned back, he saw tears welling in her eyes.

Nice going, Xerxes, you barely have to open your mouth to make a little girl cry.

There they were, brimming to the surface: all those emotions he didn’t know what to do with. He could only sit there, waiting for her own brand of rain to start, wanting more than anything to escape, to not have to figure out the right words to fix her.

It was the crying he hated the most. Maybe it was because it reminded him too much of a certain day, long ago, of a certain girl…but the snow did fall that day…

Still, he wasn’t going to tell her that if she just wished hard enough, if she believed in hope, the-general-goodness-of-the-world-and-its-inhabitants, and maybe a little bit of magic, that the snow would fall, that she could change things. Wishes were dangerous things, and he didn’t suggest anyone make them. You never know who, or what, might be listening.

Fortunately, before the tears reached her cheeks, Sharon’s mother, Shelly Rainsworth, appeared at the doorway. She looked almost exactly like an older version of her daughter, the same chestnut hair, the same smile that shined with a light of its own.

Upon seeing the tearful look on her daughter’s face, she marched into the room, put her hands on her hips, and turned to Break.

“Xerxes,” she said his name like he really was Sharon’s brother, “what did you say to her?”

“Why do you assume it was my fault, Shelly-sama?” he muttered, sounding like the child she was calling out.

“Let’s just say you have a habit of stepping on people’s feelings.”

He sighed. “I was only telling her that it won’t start snowing simply because she wants it to.”

“It’s almost Christmas, mother!” Sharon said like she was pleading her case, the tears reappearing in her eyes.

Shelly smiled, shaking her head.

“What am I going to do with you two?” she crouched down in front of Sharon, and paused, contemplating her own question for a moment. “Tell you what, sweetie; I can’t promise it’ll start snowing because you want it to, but I can promise this:” she pushed her daughter’s tears away, “The moment it starts snowing—or, I suppose,” she interrupted herself, “the moment there’s enough snow on the ground, but no later!—we’ll go outside, and have a snowball fight. How does that sound?”

“Really?” Sharon raised her head, the sadness lifting a little.

“Even if I’m busy, or it starts snowing in the middle of the night,” Shelly elaborated, grinning, “No, especially, if it’s in the middle of the night,” she placed a finger on Sharon’s nose, at which the little girl giggled, “I’ll wake you up—or you me—then, while everyone else is asleep, we’ll run around the house in just our pajamas and coats, we’ll wake Xerxes—”

“What?!” Break blurted out.

“Yes, we’ll wake Xerxes,” she repeated smirking, “drag him outside—”

“Do I get a say in this?!”

“Nope,” she grinned mischievously, “Don’t think I’m letting you get out of this one.”

“Tch.” He looked away.

She walked calmly to the couch, picked up one of the pillows, as if she was going to fluff it, brought it over to them, and smacked him with it.

He growled, his red eye starting to blaze, like some caged beast.

She threw the pillow back onto the couch, sighing, saying seriously, “I don’t want you sitting here on this windowsill forever…I know, somewhere inside you, there’s someone…” she pondered it, then smiled, saying simply, “Someone who’s not afraid. You’re stronger than you think. Deep down, I think, these sorts of things that seem childish, like snowball fights, and tea-parties,” she smirked, “fun things, you actually enjoy.”

He looked away, as if knowing he could only disappoint her.

She added softly, placing a finger on his chin, making him look at her,

“We’ll see that smile someday, Xerxes Break.”

He stared at her as she took her fingers away, then he blinked, averting his eyes again. murmuring something about, “Really, Shelly-sama…I’d just ruin—”

“Sharon,” Shelly interrupted his mutterings, turning to her daughter, “Do you think Xerxes should sit here sulking, day in and day out, or do you think he should join our snowball fight?”

“Xerx-niisan should come with us!” she didn’t even take a breath before she answered.

He stared into the little girl’s eyes, so full of hope, no question, no hesitation, just…kindness, endless kindness.

Shelly smiled at her daughter, which turned into devious smirk when she looked at him.

“Checkmate.”

He bit his lip before jumping back down to the ground, muttering incoherently his displeasure, knowing once they were set, he couldn’t change their minds.

They could be tyrants sometimes.

Most people wouldn’t have gone near him, much less want him to be a part of something…well, fun. He knew what people said about him. It didn’t matter, it had been a long time since he had cared what other people thought, plus, he more than welcomed the lack of company. But, the thing is, he knew they were right; he was creepy, and dark, and very, very dangerous. So, he too, often wondered why they had taken him in, why they treated him like something worth saving, worth dragging out of bed for snowball fights, and tea-parties, rather than being sure, like rest of the world was—like he was—that he would just darken everything with any amount of light in it.

That’s what Children of Misfortune were for, right?

A little girl, who should have been more scared of him than anyone, who should’ve wanted him as far away from her and her snowball fights than anyone, could not only go near him, but fail to hesitate as she bounded up to this dark-and-dangerous man, looked into that blood-red eye, and asked him why the sky was crying, gave him flowers, and called him “brother.”

And that was worth more to him than he would ever dare admit aloud.

*****

It was from nightmares about knights, and blood, little girls, dolls, and names that he never mentioned, that Xerxes Break awoke from.

Breath and heartbeat weighed heavily on his chest. Once the memories faded enough for him to remember that, though it may have been real, it was not now, he gritted his teeth together, slamming his fist into the wall behind him. He didn’t care how much pain was pulsating through his hand.

If only it would take his mind off the throbbing in his empty eye socket.

If he had been a weaker man, perhaps he would have screamed, even cried, perhaps he would have whispered something pitifully to the sheets about not wanting to remember again, not wanting nightmares like this one to show their faces in his head. But he had already made a wish, and these nightmares were its descendants. He didn’t have the authority to dream anymore.

All he had was the anger and regret surging through his body, and nowhere for it to go, except make his past a weapon that shattered him just as much as it did his enemies, into glass shards, and cold bones, and bloodstained roles.

Still, there was some part of him that hoped after so many years they would have stopped haunting him. And sure, maybe it wasn’t every night, but they did come. Perhaps that’s why they call them ghosts; There were too many horrors to be reminded of, too many sins to feel guilty for, too little he could do to fix it, and the nightmares were all too eager for the task. One lifetime was not enough for them to let him forget.

They say ‘there’s no rest for the wicked’, and his mind was often cruel enough to remind him.

When he raised his gaze, he saw that the curtain was open just slightly, and something in the sliver of window flickered.

The Mad Hatter sighed, throwing his legs over the side of the bed.

It was awfully cold.

He stepped up to the window, gently pulling back the curtain, just enough so he could see.

He drew in a breath softly, his eye widening at the view:

It was snowing.

There was enough moonlight to see flakes falling upon the grounds—which were cloaked in white by now.

Like that time years ago, for the whole month, the only thing that fell from the clouds was rain, and finally, the sky decided that Christmas Eve was no time to be laying in bed, sleeping, or else dreaming about past follies.

“Well, Shelly-sama, what do you think?” he spoke softly to the merciful sky, “One last snowball fight?” he paused a moment, turning, leaning against the window, as if waiting for an answer to be whispered in his ear.

He stepped over to his wardrobe, throwing a coat over his pajamas, taking up some winter gloves, putting on socks and boots, and, as always, placing Emily on his shoulder (she wouldn’t want to miss this).

Lighting the candelabra on his nightstand, he ventured into the hallway, making his way toward Sharon’s bedroom.

Opening the door as quietly as he could, he walked in, setting the light on her nightstand.

Sharon was sleeping soundly on her curtained bed, her hair splayed all over the sheets, wrinkled in the night’s sleep, and she hugged her pillow.

He resisted the urge to laugh at her un-proper appearance.

Break sat on the side of her bed, by her head, saying quietly,

“Ojousama.”

She stirred in her sleep, muttering something indecipherable.

He gently ran his hand through her hair, saying louder, “Sharon.”

She blinked open fuchsia eyes to see her servant.

“Break,” she muttered his name softly.

Slowly, she sat up, yawning, looking around.

“Break, what’re you…?” she began, fatigue weighing down her words, then shook it away by shaking her head, “What are you doing in my room?! In the middle of the night! How dare you wake me up!”

He knew what was coming next: she grabbed one of the pillows, and he dodged it before she hit him with it. “Do you think you can just come in here as you please?!”

“Really, Ojousama,” he laughed, standing back up, “You think I’d risk injury without good reason?”

She folded her arms over her chest, pouting. He walked over to the window, throwing open the curtain, standing beside it.

“This better not be one of your pranks, Break,” she muttered, walking over to the window.

“Relax. When have I ever been that cruel?”

She glared at him, as if to say I-could-name-a-few-times, then turned to the window, surveying the landscape outside.

Her aggravated expression broke for widened eyes and a smile.

“Break!” she exclaimed, all grievance forgotten, grabbing his hands and spinning him around, “It’s snowing!!” she let go of him, and jumped up on the bed, repeating, “It’s snowing!! It’s snowing!!”

He smirked, folding his arms over his chest; No matter how old she really was, she still looked like that little kid to him.

“What do you say?” he helped her down from the bed, “One last snowball fight?”

“What are you talking about ‘one last’?” she grabbed the pillow and managed to catch him off guard this time. “You better not be talking about that again!”

She didn’t wait for him to respond as she dropped the pillow and ran over to her wardrobe, found a little coat to throw over her nightshirt, boots, and gloves, then handed him a ribbon to tie her hair back.

“Ready?” he tapped her on the shoulder when he had finished tying her hair.

She nodded, beaming.

They weren’t too far from Reim’s room when Break asked her to hold the candelabra, and stepped down the stairs to the front door.

“Where are you going?” she asked, “Reim’s room is this way.”

“This will only take a moment,” he grinned.

She put her hand on her hip, scowling at him as he ran out the front door. Quickly he returned, with the first snowball in his gloved hand.

“Break! Just what are you intending to do with that?!”

“You’ll see!” said Emily.

Sharon sighed, placing her head in her hand.

Reim stayed at the Rainsworth’s often enough that he had his own room (albeit, not a very fancy one). They quietly entered it to see the servant laying on a bed, much neater than either of theirs, facing away from them. His glasses, and some extra paperwork he just couldn’t leave at work, lay dormant on his nightstand.

Break tiptoed up to his friend, gently pulled back the collar of his shirt, and stuffed a snowball down the back of his shirt.

It was a moment before it took effect, but when it did, Reim skyrocketed out of bed, dancing around, until the snow fell onto the floor.

Break could barely contain his laughter.

He rested his hands on his knees panting. When he regained his bearings enough to figure out what had just happened, and saw Break laughing, he shouted,

“XERXES, YOU BASTARD!!”

Reim lunged at Break, at which the older man only needed to step out of the way, to make Reim trip onto the floor.

“Yes, a tired Reim-san, without his glasses, is definitely a match for me,” he remarked, leaning over him,

“A normal Reim-san isn’t exactly a match either!” Emily squeaked.

“Now, now Emily,” Break chided his doll playfully, “we mustn’t rub this sort of thing in people’s faces.”

“I’m gonna kill you,” Reim’s voice was muffled by the floor

Break laughed, “Is that so?”

“All in good fun!” Emily chirped.

“It’s not fun for me!” he retorted, sitting up, “How can your idea of fun be tormenting your best friend!” Reim got up off the floor and sat on his bed.

“Come now, Reim-san, ‘torment’ is a little harsh, don’t you think?”

“I meant what I said! I mean, who in their right mind thinks a good way to wake their friend up is to stuff freezing-cold snow—”

He interrupted himself, looking at each of them with question in his eyes. He repeated the word, “Snow…?”

Sharon and Break grinned at each other.

Break helped his friend up, saying, “And whoever said I was in my right mind? Didn’t you know? All the best people are mad.”

Reim rolled his eyes.

Sharon and Break stepped up to the window to unveil the answer to his question. Reim followed to inspect the view outside.

Then he looked at each of them, shaking his head and smiling. “Really, you two, after all these years…”

He trailed off, going over to his wardrobe to put on the winter clothes he kept there.

They barely had time to blow out the candles before Sharon grabbed both their hands and dragged them out into the moonlit hall.

They were like little kids trying to get a peek at Santa; bumbling down the hall, almost falling over each other, shushing each other, as they made their way through the manor, down the stairs, out the front door, into the cold grounds.

Even with their winter clothing, the cold still crept in. The snow muffled ordinary sounds, falling seamlessly, sparks of scattered moonlight gleaming off the flakes.

“So, we’ll—” Reim was interrupted by Break throwing a snowball at the back of his head.

“Oy! I was talking!” he whirled around.

“What’s there to talk about, Reim-san?” Break tossed another snowball up and down in his hand.

“I was simply—”

This time it was Sharon who threw the snowball at his face.

“Nice shot, Ojousama,” Break mentioned.

“Thank you,” she grinned, “You’re next, Xerx-niisan.”

“Alright, you two are going down,” Reim challenged.

“That’s more like,” Break smirked.

It didn’t make sense that three adults could have so much fun doing something so childish as playing in the snow. But between exploding snow and shouting, their laughter was what radiated like light from the scene. Maybe they forgot they weren’t children, they forgot that they had grown up things to do, responsibilities to attend to, and that the world was really comprised of blood and pain, and worthless names, not innocence and friendship.

The mad tea party, forever trapped in a moment, forgotten by time.

It was a while later when another voice broke through:

“Hey, what are you guys doing?”

They paused, turning to see Oz at one of the balconies.

“Our humblest apologies, Oz-sama!” Reim shouted back, bowing low, “We didn’t intend to be so loud!”

“No worries!” he yawned, “Are you…having a snowball fight?”

“That’s right, Oz-kun,” Break answered, “Would you like to join us?”

“Really?! You’ll let me?!”

“Sure,” he tossed a snowball up and down in his hand again, “but we certainly won’t be going easy on you!”

Oz beamed. “Hang on a sec! Lemme grab Gil and Alice!”

Not long afterwards, they heard the all-too-familiar sounds of Gilbert and Alice shouting, and they their annoyed faces appeared on the balcony.

“Why are you three having a snowball fight at 6:00 in the morning!” Gilbert yelled down to them.

“Oh? You scared you didn’t make the cut?” Break taunted . “Clown! Is this your doing?!” Alice demanded, “I’ll come down there and make you pay for waking me up!”

As Break spoke to them, Reim saw it as an opportunity to get his own revenge, and snuck up behind him. Break, of course, still heard him coming and, once again, tripped him, as he got close.

Break walked around him in a circle, grinning shaking his head, “You’re going to have to try harder than that to beat me.”

Reim gave an expression akin to Gilbert’s evil eye.

Break kicked some snow onto his head as he walked by, just to rub it his face (quite literally).

Oz, Gilbert, and Alice tumbled down the front steps, already laughing and yelling at each other before they even joined the fight.

“Well look who it is,” Break taunted, leaning over them, then Emily continued,

“The dumb bunny, the spoiled brat, and—” he didn’t get to finish, because the two lunged at him.

There weren’t really any teams, or way of keeping score—it was everyone against everyone else, though each of them had their own approach: Gilbert had a more meticulous method; creating a stash of snowballs, and walls to hide behind, (often getting hit in the building process). Oz was would sneak up on people, and took particular pleasure in knocking down, or stealing, Gil’s hard work, while Alice ran around pelting everyone in sight, holding a particular grudge against anyone who landed a hit on her (who were mostly Break and Oz).

Near the end of their fight, as Break snuck up on Sharon, just about to land a hit on her, he found himself falling, and was then somehow on the other side of the yard,

He paused to regain his bearings, and stood back up to his full height, quickly discerning what had happened.

“Is that really fair, Ojousama?” he called across the yard, knowing she had used her Chain.

She chuckled like it was a trivial offense, “Since when have you cared what’s fair Xerx-niisan?”

Well, she got me there.

It was at this moment he felt a rush of cold! against his neck, and tensed, resisting the urge to spill some choice words. He spun around to see that Reim had been waiting behind a nearby tree and, as he addressed his mistress, Reim had managed to get the perfect revenge.

Break pulled back his shirt to make sure the snow fell, scowling at his friend.

“Say it,” Reim folded his arms over his chest.

“What? That you got me?”

Reim’s expression was unmoving.

“I’ll say nothing of the sort, Reim-san,” he flicked his glasses, “After all, you merely copied me. You should be more creative next time.”

Reim’s fingers curled into fists, practically growling at him.

“I didn’t know we could use Chains!” Oz called, running up to them, having noticed Sharon’s expert use of Eques, (but not the following exchange between Break and Reim.)

“Seaweed-head! Release my limiter!” Alice shouted when she heard, “I want to smash the clowny bastard to smithereens!”

“Is that so?” Break called, “You really want to go down that path, Alice-kun?” Break smirked evilly, “My Mad Hatter would destroy you before Gilbert-kun even had the chance.”

“You wanna go, clown!” Alice hollered, and Gilbert had to hold her back to keep her from rushing at him with teeth and claws.

Reim looked worried, and Oz—wearing a similar expression—spoke in hushed tones, “No, Alice! You don’t want to go up against his Mad Hatter!”

“Try me, Manservant!”

“Break! No one wants to see you killing yourself over some stupid fight with some little girl!” Gilbert scolded.

“Oy! Who you callin’ ‘some little girl’?!” Alice snapped at Gilbert.

That seemed to return Reim to his senses,

“That’s right!” Reim scolded, “What did I tell you about being reckless with your powers?!”

“Always so tense, you two,” he walked up to Alice and ruffled her hair, “I’m only teasing.”

Alice broke free, and the fight resumed, though the others were glad to see neither managed to draw blood, and that it quickly returned to the antics of the snowy game.

And for one brief moment, Break forgot about everything else. About the nightmares, the regrets, and the answers he clung to so desperately as a reason to keep himself from falling further. And for one moment, he could see those flickering lights behind dark eyes, and he was happy he could feel the cold biting his skin, he was happy he could see their faces—rosy-cheeked, all smiles and laughs, even if they were yelling at him—for one precious flicker of a moment, he was happy to be alive.

That moment would end. The shadows would crawl back from the corners of his mind, the smiles would become fake again, the world would become a wax museum of happiness. Reasons that were just that, empty reasons; desire had left them behind in an alleyway long ago, for better, darker wishes. The pain would come back, and once again he’d convince himself, I don’t care, I don’t care, I don’t care about them. About what happens to me. The snow white chaos would return to tears too fast. But in this moment, it was okay. He was okay.

Sharon and Reim ran at him, but instead of getting out of the way, this time he let them bowl him over, the three of them collapsing in the snow.

Shock flitted across their faces, which broke for smiles.

He wanted to say he was sorry. He wanted to tell them over and over I love you both so very much. But he wasn’t the only one who knew that those words falling from Xerxes Break’s lips was all too close to admitting defeat. Because if he admitted he cared, then he wouldn’t be able to let them go when the end came. And he knew it would come all too soon. His lips wouldn’t dare betray him with such miserable words.

So they settled for a smile.

His real smile. Not the smirks and grins he gave away at a moment’s notice. The smile that was barely perceptible, but which, for them, captured within its folds more sunlight than anything else in their world.

Sharon and Reim glanced at each other, then smiled back at him, deciding not to sully the moment with words.

And, as soon as it came, the true smile was replaced with a smirk.

“You two really are gullible,” he put snow in their hair.

They jumped up, shouting his name, trying to rub it out, then quickly ran after him.

He couldn’t tell them the truth. He couldn’t tell them that he was thinking how this might be his last Christmas. He couldn’t tell them how he was wondering if they would still put his stocking on the mantelpiece when he was gone.

He didn’t get a chance to anyways, because it wasn’t long afterwards when beads of citrus and crimson light began tracing the navy sky.

They paused, panting, raising their eyes to look into the sunrise.

For a moment they stared silently at the art the morning made of daybreak, gentle smiles tracing their lips at the beauty.

Then Oz broke in, exclaiming,

“Merry Christmas, everyone!”

“Merry Christmas!” they answered, a little tiredly.

“What do you guys think?” Reim asked, “Ready to go inside?”

“Aww, but we were having so much fun!” Oz protested, trying to mask the fatigue in his voice.

“Easy for you to say, we’re exhausted!”

“To be fair, we were out here much longer than them,” Break panted, realizing just how tired he was. “Perhaps I have gotten old after all. If you youngin’s want to go on—” he flapped a shirt sleeve their direction.

“There he goes again calling himself old!”

Sharon broke in, “Don’t you want to open presents?”

“Presents?!” Oz repeated, like a dog who had seen a squirrel, glancing at Gilbert and Alice, his grin widening.

They began to make their way inside, still laughing and talking about the plays they each had made, and how they would eventually get each other back. As they walked back, instead of joining the conversation, Sharon gently tugged on the corner of Break’s coat, holding him back.

He turned to see that instead of the tired, but joy-full smile that had traced her face moments earlier, she was hanging her head low.

“Ojousama?” he asked worriedly, crouching down beside her, seeing tears begin to grace her cheeks.

The others noticed, and stopped too.

“Xerxes! What did you do?!” Reim demanded.

“Yeah, Break! How dare you make a girl cry on Christmas?!” Oz questioned, running up to her.

He rolled his eyes at them.

“I’m fine, everyone,” Sharon reassured them, giving a somewhat plastered smile, “I’ll just be a moment.”

They all glanced at each other, knowing something was clearly wrong.

“Are you sure?” Gilbert asked.

“Yeah, Sharon-chan, if you need something—”

“Yes. Please, go inside. Break and I will catch up with you.”

They glanced at each other.

“Alright, Sharon-chan. Just let us know if you need anything, okay?” Oz put a hand on her shoulder.

“Thank you, Oz-sama,” she smiled.

The others gave similar smiles back to her, then they gave Break a collective you-better-not-make-this-worse look before walking up the stairs into the manor.

“Sharon?” he asked softly.

No matter how many years went by, he still couldn’t handle the sight of a child in tears.

“Xerx-niisan,” he could tell she was fighting back against the tears, “What if… What if this is your last Christmas?”

He gasped; he didn’t expect her to be thinking about the same thing.

“What if…” she continued, breath taut, “What if we never get to have another snowball fight? What if…?”

“Well,” he rubbed his neck, looking away, “you and Reim can still—”

“Don’t act like everything will be the same when you’re gone!” she threw snow into his face.

He fell back onto his elbows, gently brushing it out of his hair. After a moment a laugh bubbled in his throat, and he put his hand on his face.

“What’s so funny?!” she demanded, scowling.

Obviously that was the wrong thing to do.

If only she had chosen someone else to comfort her; someone like Oz, who could read the situation, and chose his words carefully. Or Gilbert, who was sensitive enough to understand. Even Reim would be better, despite his rather unemotional, straightforward nature. But she had chosen him.

“It’s funny…to tell you the truth,” his voice became more serious, “It’s just…I was thinking about the same thing.”

Shock added to the concoction of hurt and yearning in her eyes.

“Y-You were?”

He looked at the ground and nodded ever so slightly.

“How dare you laugh at that?” she balled a fist in the snow, but the strength seemed to leave her.

She shook her head, tears fluttering back to her eyes, “You can’t…Xerx-niisan, you can’t! I…I don’t want to be alone!” she put her arms around him and fell onto him.

His eye was wide, his breath harsh and cold as he looked at the girl in his arms, forgetting for a less than a moment that she was not that little girl in a darkened room, surrounded by coffins.

He shook his head of the memory.

“You won’t be alone, you’ll have Reim, and Sheryl-sama, and—”

She lifted her head to scowl at him, as if to say must-I-repeat-what-I-said and he cleared his throat, changing his method of attack.

“Well, I won’t go down easy, that’s for sure. But, despite how it might seem,” he gently ran his finger along her cheek, giving that sad but true smile, and whispered, “I am not that strong.”

“You think you can talking about you dying all the time and I’ll just—?!” she tried to fight back, to be angry, but her words fell like the snow, and she murmured again, she let her head fall back onto his shoulder, and whispered back, “Xerx-niisan…”

He gently wrapped his own arms around her.

“I want to be there for you…” she murmured, “I don’t want you to do something stupid…You’re always running into fights without a second thought…” she sobbed for a moment before saying, “Maybe we could…maybe we could stop it? I-I could go into the fights with Eques…Oz-sama and Gilbert-sama—”

He pressed a kiss into her hair, and as she lifted her head off his shoulder to look at him with the wide and teary eyes of her younger self. The look in his eyes was enough to say I’m sorry, Sharon.

“It’s just like I told you, Ojousama,” he ran his fingers through her hair, and murmured into her ear, “No matter how much I may want it to, I can’t stop it from raining.”

She lifted her head off his shoulder to look at him.

“No matter how much we might want it to, we can make the snow fall. Our wishes can’t change things. Even if…” his words were blown by the wind into the stars.

She shook her head gently, murmuring that name.

“Just promise me you won’t make any illegal contracts to bring me back,” he laughed a little, which turned into a grimace, and she knew just how serious he was being.

She smiled for the first time since the conversation started. “I promise.”

For a moment they sat there, together, in a sort of limbo, watching as the sunrise turned into a light blue sky—a present sorrow caught between the earlier joy, wondering which emotion of the two would soon come. Moments were so finicky.

“I can’t promise I’ll have another Christmas, but we still have today. Let’s not waste it with talking about depressing things.”

She nodded, smiling.

He gently reached down and picked her up.

“Xerx-niisan!” she protested at first.

He touched her nose with his finger.

After a moment, as he took her inside, she rested her head against him sleepily, murmuring, “Xerx-niisan, I don’t want…I don’t want you to pretend you’re okay for my sake.”

His eye widened and he jerked his head to look at her.

“Don’t give me that look,” she responded, “I know you do it. You think I can’t handle it.”

He took a deep breath, “I’m fine, Ojousama,” he murmured, and smiled, “It’s Christmas, after all.”

She shook her head, “No you’re not!”

Once again he kissed her head gave her his real smile, “No, really, Sharon. I am. At least for today.”

The smile she returned was real too.

And that was worth far more to them than either of them needed to say aloud.

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elvesofnoldor · 4 years ago

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anyways, ive seen enough gameplay footage to make sense of the story as a whole and i have to say, despite many merits and potentials, the story of tlou 2 certainly is NOT a masterpiece. IGN sort of kind of still lied to me lmao. my initial judgement on the game still stands, it’s just my attitude towards the game has softened a lot. i dont think im angry about it, or even wistful about the way the story went, and i like it so much better now that ive seen more of it. in fact when i get a ps4 (or ps5 i guess smh, would they even remaster this game for ps5? lmao), i will definitely try out this game. but i still have to say that it still makes a lot of sense as to why people hate it so much and even though i don’t absolutely hate it like some of the fans, i certainly am not the biggest fan of it either. Maybe it’s because im writing a story about fruitlessness of revenge (well, technically it’s fanfic dont @ me) and therefore ive thought a lot about such story, but the way i understand it, the true face of vengeance has always been grief, and any good revenge story is ultimately a story about loss. Everybody keeps talking about how this is about “neither side is right” or “cycle of violence is toxic” but i think these interpretations are only scratching the surface. To me, tlou 2 is about obsession, specifically obsession with revenge; It’s about hate, born from grief, driving someone down a path of violence that will never end. in truth, the obsession with vengeance is actually obsession with acquiring symbolic justice for a loss irreplaceable, and from what i seen, it seems that neil demonstrated that he understood this much. All the heartbreaking flashbacks? they aren’t just to build up ellie’s fall out with joel and her ensuing straining relationship with joel prior to the start of the story, they are to show us what ellie has lost. At the end, when she faced Abby, joel’s killer, and decided to let her go, i understand it as Ellie letting go of her hate born from grief of losing her only family, so she can finally be free from the shackle of murder and violence vengeance put on her. it SHOULD be about her letting go so that she may move on with her life before everything is lost, but when ellie comes back to the farm, dina is gone, and she has truly lost everything anyways. joel has saved ellie so that she could be happy, except that she is not, and it’s likely she will never be happy again. And what was all the heartaches about again? it felt like it was all for nothing! the story ends in utter despair, which is very uncharacteristic for a tlou game. in tlou part I and the dlc, the story is full of perils and heartaches. Tlou ends in a way that let us know there will be no cure for the pandemic that ended the world, but the little girl that joel and the players spent entire time getting to know and growing to love survived and she may have a life in happiness and peace. tlou dlc ended in a way that hinted at ellie’s best friend riley’s eventual demise, and it sucks, and it HURTS, but she did not die on screen. the dlc ends in a way to let us know that even when all is dark, you find something to fight for and you live another day, which echoes with what joel said to ellie at the end of tlou part I. Imagine if tlou 2 also echoes with that message of hope. Imagine if ellie simply snuck out without having that conversation with dina, and when she finally let go and come back to the farm, dina is still there. ellie has lost a finger, she has lost joel, she has lost so much and all the murders and violence weighted heavily on her conscience and she is scarred from the experience. So maybe she still played that guitar, and she still despaired, but then she remembers what joel said to her 13 year old self: i struggle a long time with surviving. no matter what, you keep finding something to fight for. And then ellie looked at dina, and the baby, ellie knew that she may have lost her old family and it hurt and it hurts still and the scar of the loss will always be with her, but she has a new one to fight for and to take care of now and there is still something worth staying alive for. To me, that would have been a better and stronger ending, a ending that speak of hope even in the midst of despair, it would have been a satisifying conclusion to both joel and ellie’s relationship as well as ellie and dina’s relationship. now, Abby’s story ultimately contribute to this overarching story about grief and loss, and yeah, i have complicated feeling about her and her part taking up so much time in the game. i sure did NOT like the idea of being forced to play as her and hurt ellie in a boss fight! who wants to fight and potentially kill their favourite character as a brand new character we have very little emotional connection to? what purpose does that serve beside letting us know that ellie did not win this fight in the story? we could have easily played as ellie instead, as her point of view is supposed to be the point of view we identified with? This is the sequel to the last of us, which is advertised as being ellie’s story after all! this is not an independent story! i dont know what was neil thinking. it was apparent to me that abby was probably afflicted with fireflies somehow even before i read any spoilers. she was looking for joel! why else would she look for him and try to kill him? i honestly didn’t think that we needed to play as her to know she was with the fireflies and she was taking revenge on joel cause joel killed her dad and most of the fireflies and took that one chance of finding the cure away from everybody. we didnt need to play as merlene to see from her point of view, just saying. she was simply reacting to what ellie and joel did for the most part, and she never really have to reflect on killing joel the way she killed him. why does she need to take up so much space in the story? this should have been a story that focuses on ellie? i still wish she was ellie’s mom and her story tied into ellie’s immunity and the larger story of finding cure for the infection and she may or may not have been connected to or involved with joel’s death and her vague connection to joel’s murder is her reason to be in the story, but frankly, i dont know how to fix abby’s part of the story, she could have been a good character but it seems to me that she shouldn’t have been such prominent character in this story in particular. again i think from what ive seen the game’s story has potential, and it has merits, but ultimately the ending and abby’s part hurt the story and lowered its quality. people are still handling the shock of seeing joel’s brutal death, people are still UNDERSTANDABLY having difficulty sympathizing with abby, people are still angry about having to fight ellie, people are still angry about having to witness so much content of brutal violence against characters of colour (yet again) in this game, there is also apparently tranphobic backlash against the game because the garbage cis dudes from the gamer community HAVE to let us know what a disgusting cesspool of shit part of the community is every once a while. but i think it’s fair to say that this is not the star wars sequel situation again. tlou 2 is not an absolute let down the way sw sequel (tlj and ros) is, but it is still a flawed story and should be seen and understood as such.

#tlou 2 spoilers inside dont look!!#mae overshares

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drferox · 7 years ago

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20 Questions with Dr Ferox #18

Finally sat down to work through 20 more questions. I know I’d been a bit behind for a while, but here comes a flurry of questions and comments. As usual I’ve tried to tag people that were brave enough to put their names on the questions, but if you were Anonymous you’ll have to look through manually.

@tenacious-brii said: Hi! I was wondering if you might have heard of the Orthopedic Foundation for Animals, and if you have, what you think of them. My understanding is they're working to implement a higher breeding standard to prevent inbreeding / continuation of genetic diseases and disorders (like hip dysplasia for example) It sounds like a worthy goal but maybe I am being hopelessly optimistic, lol. As for tax; Which pokemon would be your main companion? Thank you for all that you do!!

The OFA would love to implement higher standards for breeding dogs, but they can't actually enforce anything. All they can do is collect the data and make recommendations. They have some super interesting data on the frequency of hip and elbow dysplasia in dogs, but there are a few potential flaws.

Number one is that it's not compulsory for breeders to disclose their hip and elbow results. If they screen a dog with bad hips, for example, and simply choose not to send those results in, then the recorded 'breed average' will be 'better' than reality.

I do have a soft spot for Ivysaur.

savageborn said: I met a pure bred St Bernard at work for the first time today (i work part time as a vet assistant at a small local clinic) and. I was taken aback. They're so big. I've never seen one in person before and im still just amazed. I wanted to share. He was very sweet just. So Big.

Yes, they are indeed very big. Super fun as puppies though, when at even their early puppy vaccination they're dwarfing adult dogs in the waiting room.

Anonymous said: Up until relatively recently (the 1980s!), it was widely accepted that human newborns didn't feel pain. I'm not surprised if that idea hasn't persisted when it comes to mice.

Gosh humans can be stubborn, self-centred and lacking in empathy, can't they? That was probably believed to make themselves feel a whole lot better about circumcision.

agender-fordmustang said: As a vet assistant, I find egg + meat chicken production to be very interesting, despite my disgust for birds who are bred so large they cant get up out of their own excreta. What's your favorite thing which you thought you'd hate?

I don't think I really expected to hate anything, I find most of biology genuinely fascinating. I find turkey semen collection a bit weird, but there's not much on the animal side I really hate.

Humans and the things we do are complicated. I wasn't really all that fond of humans when I started out, but have come to like a larger percentage of them over time.

Anonymous said: In regards to getting accepted to vet school, would you say grades were very important? Like would an A vs a B in a class make it or break it? Also do they look at extracurriculars as much as everyone tells me haha. Everyone loves to tell me how competitive vet school is and I've just started my undergrad education so I'm trying to evaluate my priorities! Thank you so much and thank you for running such a wonderful blog! <3

When I went through, and please remember it was over a decade ago when I was applying, they looked at your academic achievements first, and extracurriculars second, but if you didn't have any extracurricular experience with the veterinary industry you weren't looked on as favourably as if you did. By the interview stage, the professors had already more or less decided who they wanted as students, the interviews just sealed the deal and maybe bumped you higher or lower on the list.

Anonymous said: I have a condition where I have random and uncontrollable nose bleeds, at least once a day and lasting anywhere from a minute to an hour. I would like to have a job with animals or in the medical field but I am afraid my nose bleeds will be in excusable in a medical environment. Can someone like me work as a vet or other medical personal or am I better off finding something else?

To be honest, I'm not entirely sure how to answer this. There are definitely medical, infectious and sanitary concerns with having unpredictable nosebleeds. I'm not even sure how you're managing outside of a clinical setting, and I'm sorry I can't be more help.

Anonymous said: hello! i recently got a kitten to accompany the cat i already have (they get along wonderfully!) I was wondering though, we feed our cat purina kibble and have been feeding the kitten canned fancy feast- im planning on incorporating more wet food into the older cat's diet because i know cats get a majority of hydration from their food. anyway i know that the brands we feed them arent ideal, but we dont have a lot of money for otherwise. do you have any advice on better brands perhaps?

Cats are perfectly capable of drinking water, but I don't give people food recommendations. That's a slippery slope that I wont go down.

bettsplendens said: Am I right in thinking that "meat by-products" in the context of cat food probably means organ meat and miscellaneous scraps rather than anything actually ominous?

More or less. It can include any part of the animal that isn't profitable to market as a labelled something for human consumption. So while it might include lots of organs, it's less likely to include hearts, liver and tripe, which can be sold separately, and may also include things like neck and cheek meat is those cuts are not popular locally, or just edges of things that nobody wanted.

Anonymous said: Why do dogs have really short hiccup attacks? Are they hiding hiccup curing secrets from us?!

Dogs can have longer hiccup attacks, but their diets are usually more regular and they're less likely to be overfed than we are. They usually grow out of hiccups in puppyhood.

Anonymous said: How about when I worked at a pet store, I had to dissuade a man who wanted a remote shock collar for his wife's 3lb Yorkie. The smallest collar we carried was rated for 10lbs minimum. He said they'd go out to check on their cattle, and the dog would jump out of his arms and race towards the cows. He said he was concerned a cow would hurt her, and he just needed "something that would drop 'er." I suggested a leash. He said, "Nah, she don't like leashes."

Humans are capable of astounding levels of foolishness.

Anonymous said: Our dog recently had to have a large patch shaved on her side due to a wound. She is double-coated, and I've always heard you shouldn't shave a double-coated dog because the coat won't grow back the same. Is this true? Obviously it's better that it was shaved or the vet wouldn't have done it, but I want to make sure this won't affect her ability to be in the sun in the future and all that jazz. (btw we love our vet to bits, but she can be a bit hard to reach for simple questions)

It will grow back eventually (assuming no endocrinopathies affecting the fur), but the guard hairs will take longer to grow back and look like they did before shaving. It's only a part of the dog that's been shaved, so unlikely to be an issue.

Anonymous: What sorts of things do vet assistants do on the job? (I'm trying to figure out if being a vet assistant is something I actually want to do or if I just think that I want to do it because I like animals) Also question tax, what's your favorite kind of flower? Thanks!

Considering Vet Assistant is not a regulated term here, it might be anything from a layperson with no training just doing what a vet instructs them to do, to being basically a vet nurse. I do not work with vet assistants, I work with trained vet nurses, so you will get a better answer asking someone who actually works under that title.

Anonymous said: Not sure if this has been asked already but one of my cat's tails vibrates and shakes. She does it all the time. I'm not necessarily concerned, but is this normal in cats?

It can be if the cat is highly stimulated or agitated.

Anonymous said: A short story for you: ever since he was little my cat has done the claw kneading thing to my hair and dribbles while doing it. It's so weird but now it's just normal to me. I assume it's just his quirk it's cute

A lot of cats will salivate while purring and kneading. It's probably a reflex left over from kittenhood, when they would knead their mother while suckling.

Anonymous said: I'm worried about my dog's bite since he is a show dog. So far he has the normal scissor bite but it seems like it's turning to a level bite. He has reached his adult height and is a bit over 1 year old. Are the jaws supposed to grow anymore?

Probably not but it might depends on breed and I can neither see nor examine your dog, and you are anonymous.

Anonymous said: question tax: for some reason i imagine that cattle really love you!? like just licking your face and trying to lay in your lap. i just get that vibe!! question: so my dog is missing a few molars for some reason. our vet says it isn't a problem and he eats perfectly well. it's got me thinking about the dogs that have missing teeth and end up with their tongues hanging out of their mouths. what causes that? my pup doesn't do it but there's a pretty obvious gap.

Dogs that are missing canine teeth often have tongues that deviate and pop out. It's more common in brachycephalic dogs, which have long tongues relative to their face anyway.

I miss cows.

Anonymous said: I work at a pet store and frequently have to deal with people who own wheezing pugs thinking "oh he just makes that sound when he's happy", do you have any advice for convincing them that their dog isn't healthy and needs to see a vet? Question tax: came for the vet stories, stayed for the vet stories, your blog is fantastic!

I tend to say something along the lines of how something might be common and been present for a long time, but that doesn't mean it's healthy. Or that something might have been normalised but that doesn't make it normal.

prepackagedsoul said:I've had two German Shepherds (so I've spent some time at the vet, like you said a lot went wrong with them but i did do everything possible to fix it) and for now I've switched over to cats and, holy shit? Like they're so hardy and long lasting my grandmother has a cat that is 20 years old. She also owns one of her kittens, and he's nineteen. They're both still pretty active too, so I guess I'll bury this cat when I'm forty if all goes well.

Cats are great. They want to live, they heal well, they're tough little buggers.

aquila-audax said: Steering away from vet medicine but still within the wonderful realm of the life sciences, do you have a favourite species/group of plants?

I am partial to foxgloves. Partly for their appearance, but also because I like foxy things and they're poisonous in a cool way.

vantastrophe said: Any fantasy authors you really enjoy? Looking for more books to read, I really like Neil Gaiman but that's the only author so far ? hope you're having a great week!

Terry Pratchett is my #1, forever and always.

#20 questions

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wtfisrealityanymore · 7 years ago

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Recap.

Fast forward

Its a surreal feeling reading some of the old things I used to write. Things are so different. I am so different. Its almost like I dont recognize myself from before. I feel sorry for that 16-18 year old girl venting on this site. If only she knew the things I know now. If she could only see how freaking real karma is--and know that one day it will be working in her favor, so sit patient.

I’m thankful for my experiences, although they were tough to overcome. I am stronger now than I ever once was. Everything that once brought me to my knees is now the reason I stand tall. I am in a position in my life that I never saw coming. Things. get. better.

As for you, my first love..

Oh how things just turned upside down for us. I still struggle with letting you completely go, but you do not control me like you once did. Thats something I have never been able to say -- and truly mean. You stick around in my mind solely for the beautiful memories we have sewn together in our hearts, and the millions of little things that remind me of you daily, but nothing in me yearns to make any more memories than we already have. I have outgrown you, and thats a tough pill to swallow. Apart of me knows I will always love you, for helping mold me into the woman I am today. You were my first true love and my first real taste of freedom. Before you I did not know how much happiness a life could hold, how much laughter a girl could contain, or how much passion two beings could feel towards one another. I believe we all have pieces of our past loved ones that we carry. I am certain that I have pieces of you etched into my skin. stamped onto my heart. branded into my bones. I will carry pieces of you everywhere I go in this world, whoever I become. I hope you have pieces of me that you carry too. You taught me how to truly give my entire all to another human. To love fiercely. To take risks. To not give a single fuck about what anyone in the world has to say as long as it makes me happy. Us happy. You gave me courage. You helped me feel every single emotion to their extreme. You had my heart and you lit it on fire. Im not sure anything in this world will ever make me feel as free or as wild as I did while loving you. I am grateful for having known a love this consuming, because had I not, I would not be who I am today. Yes, I have outgrown you - but I do love you... just not in the way you want me to love you. Back when our puzzle pieces still fit together, we had something worthwhile. What we made together is something so beyond beautiful it belongs in an art museum. All the lows were well worth the highs you made me feel. And now it seems our pieces have shifted and they cant seem to position themselves together like they once did. I can never forgive myself for hurting you the way I did. When people ask about you my mind blanks. I am so sorry. You have hurt me beyond repair in the past, and even so, you deserved better.

I wish I could find the words to explain to you how someone could walk away from what we had... I still dont know how I did it. I dont know why I wanted more. I dont know why I’m so difficult to satisfy. You once told me that if you were to offer me the world I would still ask for the stars and the moon too. Maybe you are right. I am selfish. I am stubborn. You gave me your all and it just wasn’t enough. I feel so much pain thinking about how much that devastated you. The agony I put you through is unsettling. I woke up and decided I didn’t want you anymore. I woke up and decided I’m missing something. 13 years of engraving myself into your heart, just to break free right at the end. Right when things should’ve been getting more serious. We were supposed to get engaged after I graduated. We were only a few months away. and yet something in me told me I was making a mistake. Our breakup felt more like a death. The months apart felt like a prolonged funeral, agonizing about the “what if’s” and all the potential just thrown away.

You took me in as a little girl. You broke my heart over and over again, until there was nothing left of me. And then one day, years later, you picked up all the pieces and one by one put me back together. You turned me into your favorite doll. You lifted me high. You praised and loved me. You promised me you’d never hurt me again, and for the most part, you have kept that promise. For the most part. That doesn’t change that my pieces were still cracked, only being held together by the glue you gave me. I couldn’t trust you. You changed entirely for me, and yet I still resented you for all that I went through in the past. I kept a grudge, on the one man in the world that loved me more than he loved himself. I hated that you had to learn to love me, when loving you took almost no effort from me. I hated that it took you breaking me until I was nothing in order for you to see my worth. You were my best friend. You are my best friend. Leaving you was the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. It was the most selfish thing I’ve ever done. You were my muse. I was your girl. I know your next lover will only see you for who you are, not who you were before. and thats what you deserve. I couldn’t get past your demons, because they have once haunted me. I was the love of your life, but I was also a victim of you. The paradox was too upsetting for me. I had to get out. I knew leaving was the right choice. I knew if I left, and came back, it will be because I will know for sure that you are the one for me. It will be because I’m ready to give you what you need from me. Forgiveness.

I left. and its been 8 months. I don’t see myself coming back. I have found what I was looking for. But I do forgive you. I know that you wish that you could rewrite the past. I wish I could too. Maybe then, we could’ve lived our happily ever after. The worst part of this all is losing my best friend. But after all this time has passed.. I look at you, and I look at myself, and I know that it was the right decision. I know that when we think of each other, we both remember the good. I know that you know the special place you hold in my heart. I met someone else and I know that it eats you alive, but really, it only goes to show that there is hope for you and I. For the longest time I thought if I wasn’t with you I’d be settling for less. I thought that there is no other person in this world that will love me like you do. I was wrong. I met someone else, and my life has changed. Someone will love you the way you deserve to be loved, and you will be the greatest blessing in their life. I know this, because I was once that girl. We grew together to teach each other lessons for our future relationships. We met, and loved so ferociously, so that when the right person came along we will make sure to not let them slip away. Like you let me slip away. Like I let you slip away. You are my blessing. I will never have anything negative to say about you.

You taught what love was. You taught me what a relationship was. You taught me about friendship. You taught me about how the boy mind works. How to understand. How to love unconditionally. and so, I love him the way you taught me how. Had I not met you, I would not know any of these things. I would not know how to care for him. How to make him feel special. I would not know how much patience and compromise it takes to make something worth it work.

I loved you so hard that I didn’t have time to love myself - and the same goes for you. That was essentially our error. We gave and gave and gave blindly to each other. We stopped growing and became stagnant. I was not happy. Not just with you, but with myself. I did not like the girl I was. I wasn’t sure I had much to offer.

He’s taught me how to be loved, every single day. How to appreciate the beauty of my own soul. I do not want to give him the world, I want to share one with him. And I promise you, when you meet the love of your life - the real love of your life - you will be thankful for all that we know now. I’ve learned that no matter what happens, what ends, or how many times our heart breaks, we can, and always will, be able to love again. Love may leave, and though it might never come back in the same familiar way, it always comes back. I am not bitter about where we stand now, because I know that what we had was real. Not many people in this world get to experience that kind of liberation.

I love you dearly, from the bottom of my heart. Dont ever forget that,

Your first love

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transgenderkris · 8 years ago

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hot damn i got tagged by @mineapple (thanks!!!) to do one of these ….. things……. so here we go

Name: juice

Nicknames: juice

Zodiac: aries..dia megido

Height: like 5′7 last i checked, thanks @ my not-even-5ft mother and 6′somethingridiculous dad

Orientation: probably pan?

Nationality: new zealander !

Fav fruit: going loosely off the whole definition of “fruit” given the term’s shortcomings, strawberries!!!!! i would die for strawberries. or mandarins tbh

Fav season: autumn or spring!!!! even winter’s pretty cool ;) but those first two are definitely the best

Fav book: uhhhh oh fu ck um shit ok so either any of the kingkiller chronicles, or any from a good number of terry pratchett’s discworld novels. also there was this weird book i read until it fell apart when i was younger and i cannot for the life of me remember what it was called but there was like, a lemming? and a…. a troll? (not the ones youre thinking of you goddamn heathens) and another troll called opal. and the entire species of troll was cursed to turn to stone in the sunlight but the main troll dude was resistant somehow, or something. anyway for some reason i LOVED that book so i’ll put that in here too as a homage to my kid self

Fav flower: um .i don’t? have one? idk maybe those little clustered white or purple ones that smell like honey and people treat them like sidewalk weeds even though they’re lovely, or those star-shaped white ones that grow on vines and smell sweet. idfk the names of flowers what do i look like to you, someone who writes flower shop fics? (disregard the fact that i have actually written one of those before) OH WAIT i like buttercups too, for sentimental reasons. and those really dark red/purple roses, or the ones that look like strawberry swirl cheesecake

Fav scent: yo mineapple mentioned the sweet pea/jasmine hand cream from ecoya and i LOVE that stuff it smells so good, but also uhh hmm i like cinnamon and peppermint and butterscotch, and basically anything sweet and fruity/flowery… also a girl i used to like had the loveliest perfume i’ve ever come across but i don’t know the brand and couldn’t describe it so,

Fav colour: man fuck yuo how am i supposed to answer this. uhh i guess like, lavender or rich fuchsia (’fuchsia’ always feels like it should be spelled ‘fuschia’ in my mind) or pastel pink or pastel blue. pastel green is pretty cute too. also red for uhh…..more sentimental reasons

Fav animal: BATS !!! or rats! or cats. im seeing a pattern here. let’s break it with moths because this questionnaire doesn’t ask for my fav insects and i find that rude af

Coffee, tea, or hot chocolate: hmmm tea for the variety but coffee is also p good

Average hours of sleep: either 12 or 2 there is no in-between because i’m a fuckimg mess and i need help

Cat or dog: both you complete and utter fool, i’ll have no interspecies competition on my blog

Favourite fictional character right now: RUBS MY GREEDY LITTLE HANDS TOGETHER uhhhhhhhhh like dave strider and rose lalonde are solid tie for first place right there, and have been for a solid few years now. and dirk is also a notable fav for some reason?? idk he’s been up there lately. john and jade and roxy too. but the day i dont include nepeta in my favs character list is the day i meet god and he slaps me upside the head for abandoning her

Number of blankets you sleep with: i sleep with two duvets unless it’s hot, then i sleep w one. lmfao fun fact i still havent gotten around to buying a duvet cover for my second one, so it’s just this plain white naked duvet on my bed

Dream trip: all the way into the heart of the sun. if rose lalonde could do it why cant i

Date your blog was created: like sometime sept 2012, but it could’ve been earlier bc that’s just the date of my oldest post

Follower count: 1,324 lmfao what the fuck

Tag 20 people to do this: no

lmao jk but i get kinda nervous tagging people in these so if anyone wants to do this, go ahead and tag me in it!

#d muses #uh #long post #there needs to be some sort of widely agreed-upon name for this sort of post #tag meme #is that....it??#about

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audreyawesome · 8 years ago

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On: “Your Quarter Life Crisis”

Sometimes I feel like I have been going through a “quarter life crisis” for the past 4 or 5 years of my life. It was like one day, at 22, I woke up and forgot about any and all solid plans I had created, and started flipping through the proverbial “adulting” classifieds. Granted, my choices were not exactly categorized as the prime example of such.

After leaving my high school era boyfriend after I drunkenly walked into a club in Baltimore on New Years Eve to find him making out with his ex (who spent a lot of time working on ways to ruin my life), I kind of began my strange and elaborate journey of “growing up”.

I tried to sleep on the floor of my (still very dear) friend’s apartment that night, still in my sequined dress bunched up around my middle and some sweatpants watching his phone light up with texts from the aforementioned ex as well as an assortment of other girls. The next morning, I crawled into my Toyota Avalon, that was donned festively with two Baltimore City parking tickets- and left Maryland and my affinity for men who didn’t value me for quite some time. This would be the first of many mornings spent “leaving”.

I became pretty good at leaving. I soon after acquired a tour bus, plane tickets, and train cars. All of which did their fair share of leaving one place or another. It was somewhat comforting because it was better to know I was leaving something behind when I didn't like it than to ever have to go back and face it again. I was a pro at ignoring things-it was just so easy.

At some point between state lines I suddenly lost that ability. It must have fallen out of one of my many bags or flown out the window with a puff of smoke. It didn’t really hit me all at once though, it started to sneak in here and there. I would begin to notice things I hadn't before. The familiar irrational feeling I had when I used to think the school bus was going to leave me at school and I would be stuck there forever to become a casualty of whatever happened at elementary schools at night. Childhood anxiety however, does not translate well when one is in their 20′s. I started tossing around the “what am I doing with my life” scenarios while drinking too much. When people didn’t answer their phone I would immediately throw myself into a panic because they were OBVIOUSLY burning in a twisted metal fire in a ditch somewhere. My own mind wouldn’t let me free anymore.

I suppose it just sat dormant for a while until I was ready to start learning how to really live with clarity. Until I had finished living some of the most dangerous years of my life so that the euphoria tube could be yanked out of my arm and the world became it’s true colors again.

I dont want to sound like this was the beginning of my spiraling tunnel of mental madness. It wasn't. Some people never receive the figurative “wake up call” in life we all need to snap us out of our rose colored coma and make us start having some accountability. I know adult people who still ignore bills, responsibilities, and people who care for them just because it is unpleasant to face these things and they just don’t want to deal with that feeling. So, in a way, I am thankful for this long, dragging, “moment”. It could have spared me some lies, hurt, and death-but I’d say I am pretty keen on how I have turned out.

Now, my point. My point is that the proverbial “quarter life crisis” was not instilled on us so that we could have pissing contests about it at the bar. Believe me, I love nothing more than a good bitch sesh about how incredibly stressed out of my mind I am about how I literally still, at 27, am not 100% sure about what I want to do with my life. Do I want to sell everything I own and move to an island off the coast of Fiji with Dan and Nancy and do cat yoga all the time and throw away our phones and computers so we never have to see most of you awful human beings ever again? Yes. Do I also want to open a management firm and help out struggling artists not get screwed over by major labels and live a successful life as a manager/brand rep/graphic designer/creative positive sunshine guru in this awesome market that is Richmond? Yes. Do I want to lay in the bathtub and drink two bottles of wine by myself? Yes. Sometimes, I feel motivated to do the positive things in my life. Sometimes, I am not.

These times are meant to show us our own humility. These times are here because they make the moments when we cross off the last thing on our to-do list, the moments when we write an incredible script, or make a beautiful piece of art-worth it. Things seem so bleak these days. I know they do. I know that you-yes you-20 something scrolling through your Facebook feed-probably have laid in bed at least one night this week and sighed thinking “wow. The world really sucks. Why am I even trying?” or “I really know what I want to do right now. I have the tools. Why can't I find the motivation to use them right now?”

It’s because you had the euphoric tube yanked out of your arm and now you’ve stopped being able to ignore the unpleasant stuff in life. It means you’re doing it right. If you don’t have these feelings, then you don’t have something you’re passionate enough about. It means you need to get your ass up and find something that stresses you out because if it doesn’t then you aren’t invested enough.

Our quarter life crisis should be utilized to help motivate us, not bring us down. Please let people in, please let yourself in. Don’t let your personal short comings or doubts make you feel like less of yourself. Let them motivate you and drive you forward. You have the blessing of not ignoring things, embrace it, because your heart is trying to talk to you. Sure, it may be being a huge asshole that makes you feel inadequate and useless-but we all know how much you love the feeling of proving someone wrong, you millennial, you.

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kf14wxbw-blog · 5 years ago

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how to get health insurance quotes

BEST ANSWER: Try this site where you can compare free quotes :car4insure.xyz

SOURCES:

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kqnsc5yt-blog · 5 years ago

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Car Insurance for a New Driver?

hi, I just got my license like 2 days ago and I have a question about car insurance. My dad won t let me drive until I get insurance, but he said I have to wait until I actually get my real dirver s license card in the mail. When I asked the dmv how long it would take for me to recieve it, they said like 4-6 weeks. So I was wondering if the insurance company will allow me to have car insurance coverage with my temporary license, or do I actually have to wait until I get my card license to be able to drive. Because if I m not allowed to get insurance with my temp paper license, then does that mean I m not allowed to drive? Because then I won t be covered if I get in a car accident right? So I m not really sure on how this works. Please Help! Thanks

BEST ANSWER: Try this site where you can compare free quotes :insurecheap.us

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